Caught between divorced parents

Being a parent has been one of the most difficult, yet rewarding experiences of my life.  Coming from a "broken" home myself, I had vowed to be an intact family for my kids.  Unfortunately, life gave me a reality check, and I became another statistic of divorce.  Coping with the aftermath involved with divorcing, moving, and new beginnings is a battle.  Additionally, the stress and emotions of providing structure and comfort for the children involved is overwhelming.  However, raising kids with an uncooperative co-parent is near impossible.  Children should not be caught between divorced parents.

Once I came to accept the divorce was inevitable, I started planning how to make changes as smooth as possible for my kids.  My ex and I attended the mandatory class for divorcing parents.  I read books and articles on how to help children transition.  We even talked about ways to phrase things so our girls feel a united front as well as a sense of consistency between both homes.  I had felt hopeful despite what we were putting them through.

We were able to use our plans, albeit clumsily, initially after the divorce.  We were flexible for each other and communicated in respectful ways, for the most part.  It was an evolving relationship that we both invested in for the best interest of our children.  This all slowly and subtly changed as my ex brought a new wife and three step-children into his life.

Since then, my ex no longer communicates with me regarding important matters such as our daughters' medical care and academics.  When he does communicate with me, it's in short texts or emails that seem to be unproductive and disrespectful.  I used to be able to bring up concerns about my daughters to him as a team player looking for a solution.  It has turned into a tennis match of defenses and accusations.

I am often forced to communicate with his wife because he says I intimidate him.  However, she doesn't show concern for the best interest of my children, especially since my kids feel bullied by her two older kids.  Any concern I bring up, even if meant to be neutral in topic, brings a defensive reaction that includes my being called a perpetrator.

I am in no way claiming to be perfect in this dynamic.  I have my part in some of these issues.  My complaint is that the kids are getting lost in the shuffle of adult egos.  But how then can important issues such as health and school be addressed?  His answer has been that he and his new wife will make the decisions about my children, without me.

It is frustrating that one parent feels that the other parent can be replaced by a step-parent.  This may apply in situations where the other biological parent is unfit or even deceased.  But I am neither of those, and yet I am excluded from my children's lives.  The emotional damage to my kids is becoming more clear to my ex, but the evidence so far isn't enough to persuade his priorities.

I feel bullied and defeated by people who hide behind a public smile, yet behave poorly in regards to the kids involved.  I am made to be the "crazy" parent who makes up stories and scares the other parent.  The end result is the neglect of my children's best interest.

I'm not writing this to serve my own frustrations, although I won't deny I have and am expressing them, but I am writing this to fight for my kids.  They need the adults in their lives to step up and be responsible and mature enough to put their best interest first.  This is for the many children who get caught in the battle between their parents.  It's time for a change.