It's been a while since my last post and I've missed you all, so I am going to make a point to be more visible.  I have no one excuse for my absence, just a bunch of various events that have made being available difficult, even for myself.  But let me at least catch you up to date with my situation.

Not much has changed with dealings of my ex and our children.  The primary change has been with me, and even then I've not fully arrived.  A couple of weeks ago, after being served by my ex, it finally dawned on me that although I have valid reasons to be angry with his choices, I am too tired of living in a battle that only wears me down.  No matter how hard I try, he will never care about what I care about or at least he will never be cooperative with me unless it serves him.

I wish I had realized this earlier, since I've lost people on the way who didn't want to deal with me during this time.  But the lesson is learned, and I must go on for my daughters' sake.

Don't get me wrong, my heart is still broken, and I know my ex will not stop adding stress to my life as a way to silently punish me. My multiple attempts to make amends with him have been denied.  He has his own battle and I am no longer the owner.

So what does this all mean?  I have no idea really.  I just know I need to be more in control of me, and know my kids will do better if I'm better.  All this time I had been trying to "protect" my girls from hurt I know from my own experiences with my father.  I see my ex doing very similar things as my father and I know he will leave similar marks as my dad did.

The flaw in my plan was I assumed I could cushion blows being caused by their father.  Logically, I knew that wasn't possible, but emotionally, the little girl in me wanted to protect those little girls.  The little girl in me felt helpless and hopeless, which only made my parenting less than ideal.  I was stuck on defense, when I should have been focused on teaching them how to feel empowered.  I was so tired and hurt that at times I wasn't emotionally and even physically available to my girls.  I was living in a way that was counterproductive to the very ideals I want to provide.

So, I'm going to do what I can do.  I'm not fully sure what that will look like, but the first step is to find peace in my own heart.  I'm over this need to "fight hard."  I will continue to not give up challenging the injustices put upon them, but I will "fight smart" from now on.  I can't save anyone if I'm drowning myself.

Anyways, thank you for listening to my story.  I always appreciate productive feedback.  Or if you prefer to silently observe, that is fine too.  I will make a point to keep you in my life more.  Thank you for your support despite my flaws.  For now, it's play time with my daughters.  Peace.

What Messages are You Sending to Your Kids?

Some very powerful words from one of psychotherapy's pioneers.

Although it is unrealistic to think that we can be consciously aware of every message we send our children, it is important to regularly remember that they are watching our moves to assure acceptance and unconditional love.  The more we show it without prompting, the more they believe and live by it, which are the building blocks to confidence.  This is extremely important for kids experiencing the consequences of divorce. Ultimately, it's the parents and/or co-parents responsibility to keep this process of growth going for our kids despite the ending of a marital relationship.  (This also includes all auxiliary adults in a child's life.)  

Let's be careful with our kids' esteem by challenging ourselves and our roles as parents and co-parents. Let's show them it's OK to make mistakes and how to grow from them.  Let's show them that parents apologize too and will cooperate or negotiate where appropriate.  Let them see that we can hold boundaries that inspire cooperation, or at least demonstrate our authority as trusting leaders.  Let's show them how to take calculated risks and be able to handle the fails with grace.

Now of course we can't expect to do everything perfectly.  In fact, expect to fail or at least feel clumsy at times.  Use those experiences to show what confidence looks like despite feeling embarrassed, defeated, or awkward.  These are the messages we want to send to our kids.  Include them as much as possible, but if can't, even a wink from across the room can mean a great deal to a child.

Remember, we are growing gardeners, not a garden.    

Peace :-)

Circular Arguments... how the passive/aggressives avoid the real issues. Sound familiar?

There are so many times I have to bite my tongue and accept that circular arguments are fruitless.  I usually have to shut my ego down and let the opposing parties walk away with smug looks on their faces as if they have "won" something.  

What helps is when I remind myself that I am fighting for the kids.  They tend to fight for many motives, but none seem for the kids.  It's still frustrating since I have my own emotions to contend with, but at least I won't waste any more of my time as well as have a clear conscience. 

Let's remember to fight smart, not be reactive.  

And yes, I am the pot calling the kettle black.  :-) Peace.

Caught between divorced parents

Being a parent has been one of the most difficult, yet rewarding experiences of my life.  Coming from a "broken" home myself, I had vowed to be an intact family for my kids.  Unfortunately, life gave me a reality check, and I became another statistic of divorce.  Coping with the aftermath involved with divorcing, moving, and new beginnings is a battle.  Additionally, the stress and emotions of providing structure and comfort for the children involved is overwhelming.  However, raising kids with an uncooperative co-parent is near impossible.  Children should not be caught between divorced parents.

Once I came to accept the divorce was inevitable, I started planning how to make changes as smooth as possible for my kids.  My ex and I attended the mandatory class for divorcing parents.  I read books and articles on how to help children transition.  We even talked about ways to phrase things so our girls feel a united front as well as a sense of consistency between both homes.  I had felt hopeful despite what we were putting them through.

We were able to use our plans, albeit clumsily, initially after the divorce.  We were flexible for each other and communicated in respectful ways, for the most part.  It was an evolving relationship that we both invested in for the best interest of our children.  This all slowly and subtly changed as my ex brought a new wife and three step-children into his life.

Since then, my ex no longer communicates with me regarding important matters such as our daughters' medical care and academics.  When he does communicate with me, it's in short texts or emails that seem to be unproductive and disrespectful.  I used to be able to bring up concerns about my daughters to him as a team player looking for a solution.  It has turned into a tennis match of defenses and accusations.

I am often forced to communicate with his wife because he says I intimidate him.  However, she doesn't show concern for the best interest of my children, especially since my kids feel bullied by her two older kids.  Any concern I bring up, even if meant to be neutral in topic, brings a defensive reaction that includes my being called a perpetrator.

I am in no way claiming to be perfect in this dynamic.  I have my part in some of these issues.  My complaint is that the kids are getting lost in the shuffle of adult egos.  But how then can important issues such as health and school be addressed?  His answer has been that he and his new wife will make the decisions about my children, without me.

It is frustrating that one parent feels that the other parent can be replaced by a step-parent.  This may apply in situations where the other biological parent is unfit or even deceased.  But I am neither of those, and yet I am excluded from my children's lives.  The emotional damage to my kids is becoming more clear to my ex, but the evidence so far isn't enough to persuade his priorities.

I feel bullied and defeated by people who hide behind a public smile, yet behave poorly in regards to the kids involved.  I am made to be the "crazy" parent who makes up stories and scares the other parent.  The end result is the neglect of my children's best interest.

I'm not writing this to serve my own frustrations, although I won't deny I have and am expressing them, but I am writing this to fight for my kids.  They need the adults in their lives to step up and be responsible and mature enough to put their best interest first.  This is for the many children who get caught in the battle between their parents.  It's time for a change.