Miss Sunshine & The Child Advocates Fails

Wow... I know it's been a while and if you're still paying attention, thank you.  A lot has happened over the past couple of years; too much to say in one post of course, so I'll start with a current situation.

Sadly I'm witnessing in family court that there are attorneys, GALs (Guardian ad litem) and therapists who work together to support a biased perspective, which doesn't often represent the best interest of the children; but the best interest of which parent can pay the most or at least which lawyer can 'win.'  

There's a case where a father hasn't seen his kids for near five years. In Feb/2016 at a court session, I heard the GAL had no documentation about the mother who abducted the children from their home state and then made false allegations against the father to have him jailed every time he attempted to contact them.  

This GAL seemed biased in his description of the father when he gave his testimony, but clearly stated the mother's testimony as if it were fact, which was full of unfounded allegations of domestic violence. To do my due diligence as a mental health provider, I sent him those documents to help him understand a balanced perspective when making decisions on behalf of the children...  

The truth is, the mother is the violent one of the two parents. She has a history of being physically aggressive and feigning being abused. There's even documented proof; including a domestic violence charge from when she abused him in front of the children. 

However, and here's the issue....the GAL didn't want the documentation when I offered it to him. WHAT? Yep, that's what I said; the GAL didn't want the documentation. He used the justification that I am biased due to my personal friendship with the father. 

Ok, so I can see why my opinion may be viewed as biased, but legal documents?  Certainly the legal documents wouldn't have my alleged bias. Why wouldn't a GAL want evidence that demonstrates the mother's violent past as well as her abuse of the legal system by making multiple unfounded allegations?  Isn't he supposed to represent the best interest of the children? Hmmm... 

The reunification therapist did the same thing. We in the mental health field have an obligation to be thorough, unbiased and most importantly, DO NO HARM.  GALs are usually attorneys with minimal education on child development and psychology. Frankly, I don't know why they are given legal influence in such sensitive situations... but I'm not surprised when they don't act on the best interest of children and seem to be 'bought' into their stance.  

Now let me make this clear, I don't think all GALs are dishonest and unethical. In fact, I've worked with some amazing GALs who really work hard on behalf of the children. But in this case, something doesn't add up... and the therapist dropped the ball as well.  

What's scary is this therapist teaches a course about parent alienation and the reunification process....  Yep, and she didn't even follow her own guidelines.  But when she was questioned by the father about being biased, she terminated her services without discussion and shifted blame to him for why he still hasn't seen his children. Never did she attempt to ease his concerns. Never did she help him prepare for the initial reunification, nor give him any knowledge about what the kids believed (or have been told) about him, among a list of other issues that are concerning regarding her 'treatment.' 

One would think she'd be familiar with the fundamental attribution error (See below: Why courts fail to recognize PAS) in cases such as this. One would hope she has researched the topic that she'd understand the behaviors of a man who hasn't seen his kids for several years, and gets jailed when he attempts to contact them, as being consistent with PTSD. (Side note: his attempts to contact them were via email, the last arrest was for a third party contact when he tried to contact her lawyer... somehow that caused her enough fear to enforce the Protective Order) However, there are multiple texts and emails from the mom to the dad around the very same time.  The fact that this therapist backed out after his questioning her services speaks volumes about her lack of knowledge in this area, and/or she was also being 'bought' by the mother's attorney. 

Also, I question if she kept any documentation of the sessions since she had to ask for his mailing address to send him her letter of termination. I actually saw the paperwork that he filled out for her, which had his address completed.  In a mental health practice, it is required to keep an active file of current patients. Why wouldn't she have an address when he provided completed forms of her paperwork, along with a $1500 check she took with ease? Again, fishy or possibly poor standards of practice.

Ok, so I've given a lot of info in a long post. This case is in a holding pattern for the moment, but I'll update as I can. I may provide the names of both the GAL and therapist at some point, but I'm going to hold off to hopefully see them make what they did wrong right.  I will tell you they work in the Salt Lake City, Utah area... 

Thank you again for taking the time... I refuse to sit down when children need real advocates... Peace


Below are some information (unrelated to this case) about some of the problems in the family court system and how children get caught up in the middle of the chaos:       

Linda Gottlieb speak to Child Custody Task Force

Why courts fail to recognize PAS 

DivorceCorp Clip

It's been a while since my last post and I've missed you all, so I am going to make a point to be more visible.  I have no one excuse for my absence, just a bunch of various events that have made being available difficult, even for myself.  But let me at least catch you up to date with my situation.

Not much has changed with dealings of my ex and our children.  The primary change has been with me, and even then I've not fully arrived.  A couple of weeks ago, after being served by my ex, it finally dawned on me that although I have valid reasons to be angry with his choices, I am too tired of living in a battle that only wears me down.  No matter how hard I try, he will never care about what I care about or at least he will never be cooperative with me unless it serves him.

I wish I had realized this earlier, since I've lost people on the way who didn't want to deal with me during this time.  But the lesson is learned, and I must go on for my daughters' sake.

Don't get me wrong, my heart is still broken, and I know my ex will not stop adding stress to my life as a way to silently punish me. My multiple attempts to make amends with him have been denied.  He has his own battle and I am no longer the owner.

So what does this all mean?  I have no idea really.  I just know I need to be more in control of me, and know my kids will do better if I'm better.  All this time I had been trying to "protect" my girls from hurt I know from my own experiences with my father.  I see my ex doing very similar things as my father and I know he will leave similar marks as my dad did.

The flaw in my plan was I assumed I could cushion blows being caused by their father.  Logically, I knew that wasn't possible, but emotionally, the little girl in me wanted to protect those little girls.  The little girl in me felt helpless and hopeless, which only made my parenting less than ideal.  I was stuck on defense, when I should have been focused on teaching them how to feel empowered.  I was so tired and hurt that at times I wasn't emotionally and even physically available to my girls.  I was living in a way that was counterproductive to the very ideals I want to provide.

So, I'm going to do what I can do.  I'm not fully sure what that will look like, but the first step is to find peace in my own heart.  I'm over this need to "fight hard."  I will continue to not give up challenging the injustices put upon them, but I will "fight smart" from now on.  I can't save anyone if I'm drowning myself.

Anyways, thank you for listening to my story.  I always appreciate productive feedback.  Or if you prefer to silently observe, that is fine too.  I will make a point to keep you in my life more.  Thank you for your support despite my flaws.  For now, it's play time with my daughters.  Peace.

What is HAP?

I've been trying to figure out in better detail how to explain the constant battle I've had with my ex over the past couple of years regarding our co-parenting difficulties.  He has a very smooth passive/aggressive style about him that could be considered ingenious if no one was injured in the process.  Unfortunately though, the side effects have been painful for my children and myself, and ultimately for him as well.  I knew what he was doing wasn't good for the kids, and even felt it to be controlling and like a bully.  But now I know his behaviors put together are called... Hostile Aggressive Parenting, also know as HAP.

Since our divorce, and especially since he has remarried, he has made several attempts to minimize my role in my daughters' lives.  What has made matters worse has been his current wife's willingness to collude with his agenda, therefore engaging in behaviors that encourage the demise of my relationship with my daughters. It's a frustrating situation that has caused real struggles for the kids.

If you're or someone you know is experiencing a possible parent alienation case, but don't find the kids responding to such an extreme level, then you may be dealing with someone who is engaging in HAP.   The link below is a good resource for those who want to learn more about HAP.  There is even an evaluation form to help decipher the severity, if any, of HAP.

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/what_is_Hostile_Aggressive_Parenting.asp

The more we know, the better we can help HAP cases from turning into PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) cases.  Let's not forget the importance of the best interest of our children.

Can you relate?

It's amazing what we parents will tolerate for our children.  

Enjoy them when you have them!  

Hello!

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.  Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it.  Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.  It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.   - Anonymous