What is Complex PTSD?

I am posting the below excerpt found on http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/ since it is well said about Complex PTSD.  

Complex Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder is more than experiencing just one traumatizing event, and even once is enough to shake up our lives.  But when someone experiences trauma after trauma after trauma, often from different sources and at different times in one's life, the symptoms stick longer, and may even seem like the norm.  

Why is this important?  Because many people misunderstand how a person suffering from Complex PTSD thinks and feels.  Often times, they are labeled as "crazy," "bi-polar," or even with a "personality disorder."  These titles may seem true to the one who states them, but truthfully, they are wrong.  Also, doing so only dismisses the sufferer's very real mental health issues that are actually treatable.  

Why is this important to our blog?  Because children experience traumas too.  They are even less equipped to handle the stress that comes from high-conflict divorces, parent alienation, hostile aggressive parenting, and other traumas, some of which may be considered typical childhood character building experiences such as standing up to a bully.   

If we adults dismiss the impact of trauma on kids, we may contribute to generating adults who live in constant emotional pain.  The below excerpt will be an example of what that may look like:  

Complex PTSD sufferers have abandonment/betrayal fears.

When betrayed by people we love, the pain is so intense and the fear it creates is palpable and intense.

Most people will fail to understand the complexity of emotions, the belief systems it reactivates, the shame and the fear, unless they are complex trauma survivors themselves.

The rejection and abandonment depression feeds into the grieving, making it more intense.

It is especially hard, when the people were people we loved, trusted and continue on in their lives with no remorse, no empathy for the consequences of their actions and if they are narcissists or sociopaths, they will manipulate others into further abandoning us.

This lack of empathy, is so alien to those of us with empathy and compassion, who love deeply, so it causes painful confusion and is hard to bare, again feeding into this depression and intensity of grieving.

Often, all we want is love, understanding, honesty, loyalty.

When we get the opposite, it is like someone ripping out our hearts and stomping all over it, than walking away without even a backward glance.

If you relate to this at all, please know I do understand, and while the world may think 'oh just move on', that is not how it works for us and it is okay for us to feel this, there are real reasons for this, no matter how many don't understand.

I do understand.

♥ ♥ ♥

By Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd

What Messages are You Sending to Your Kids?

Some very powerful words from one of psychotherapy's pioneers.

Although it is unrealistic to think that we can be consciously aware of every message we send our children, it is important to regularly remember that they are watching our moves to assure acceptance and unconditional love.  The more we show it without prompting, the more they believe and live by it, which are the building blocks to confidence.  This is extremely important for kids experiencing the consequences of divorce. Ultimately, it's the parents and/or co-parents responsibility to keep this process of growth going for our kids despite the ending of a marital relationship.  (This also includes all auxiliary adults in a child's life.)  

Let's be careful with our kids' esteem by challenging ourselves and our roles as parents and co-parents. Let's show them it's OK to make mistakes and how to grow from them.  Let's show them that parents apologize too and will cooperate or negotiate where appropriate.  Let them see that we can hold boundaries that inspire cooperation, or at least demonstrate our authority as trusting leaders.  Let's show them how to take calculated risks and be able to handle the fails with grace.

Now of course we can't expect to do everything perfectly.  In fact, expect to fail or at least feel clumsy at times.  Use those experiences to show what confidence looks like despite feeling embarrassed, defeated, or awkward.  These are the messages we want to send to our kids.  Include them as much as possible, but if can't, even a wink from across the room can mean a great deal to a child.

Remember, we are growing gardeners, not a garden.    

Peace :-)

Circular Arguments... how the passive/aggressives avoid the real issues. Sound familiar?

There are so many times I have to bite my tongue and accept that circular arguments are fruitless.  I usually have to shut my ego down and let the opposing parties walk away with smug looks on their faces as if they have "won" something.  

What helps is when I remind myself that I am fighting for the kids.  They tend to fight for many motives, but none seem for the kids.  It's still frustrating since I have my own emotions to contend with, but at least I won't waste any more of my time as well as have a clear conscience. 

Let's remember to fight smart, not be reactive.  

And yes, I am the pot calling the kettle black.  :-) Peace.

What is HAP?

I've been trying to figure out in better detail how to explain the constant battle I've had with my ex over the past couple of years regarding our co-parenting difficulties.  He has a very smooth passive/aggressive style about him that could be considered ingenious if no one was injured in the process.  Unfortunately though, the side effects have been painful for my children and myself, and ultimately for him as well.  I knew what he was doing wasn't good for the kids, and even felt it to be controlling and like a bully.  But now I know his behaviors put together are called... Hostile Aggressive Parenting, also know as HAP.

Since our divorce, and especially since he has remarried, he has made several attempts to minimize my role in my daughters' lives.  What has made matters worse has been his current wife's willingness to collude with his agenda, therefore engaging in behaviors that encourage the demise of my relationship with my daughters. It's a frustrating situation that has caused real struggles for the kids.

If you're or someone you know is experiencing a possible parent alienation case, but don't find the kids responding to such an extreme level, then you may be dealing with someone who is engaging in HAP.   The link below is a good resource for those who want to learn more about HAP.  There is even an evaluation form to help decipher the severity, if any, of HAP.

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/what_is_Hostile_Aggressive_Parenting.asp

The more we know, the better we can help HAP cases from turning into PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) cases.  Let's not forget the importance of the best interest of our children.

Co-parenting after divorce...

Sometimes it's difficult to navigate the ending of a marriage as well as maintaining a consistent relationship as co-parents.  However, it's the parents' job to remain cooperative and respectful, not because they love the other parent, but because the kids deserve to experience their two most important people get along.  

It is also important for step-parents to allow the original parents to be the co-parents.   In my case, the step-mom has a tendency to cause more problems than help.  She, and my ex, seem to feel that I am easily replaced and have excluded me from many important decisions regarding my daughters' emotional health, physical health, and academics.  I'm hoping this changes in the near future.  

Please take the time to make an honest inventory about what choices you make and if they are for you or for your children.  Let's not make the children who live through divorce also have to live through years of unnecessary tug-o-wars between their parents.  

Can you relate?

It's amazing what we parents will tolerate for our children.  

Enjoy them when you have them!