It's been a while since my last post and I've missed you all, so I am going to make a point to be more visible.  I have no one excuse for my absence, just a bunch of various events that have made being available difficult, even for myself.  But let me at least catch you up to date with my situation.

Not much has changed with dealings of my ex and our children.  The primary change has been with me, and even then I've not fully arrived.  A couple of weeks ago, after being served by my ex, it finally dawned on me that although I have valid reasons to be angry with his choices, I am too tired of living in a battle that only wears me down.  No matter how hard I try, he will never care about what I care about or at least he will never be cooperative with me unless it serves him.

I wish I had realized this earlier, since I've lost people on the way who didn't want to deal with me during this time.  But the lesson is learned, and I must go on for my daughters' sake.

Don't get me wrong, my heart is still broken, and I know my ex will not stop adding stress to my life as a way to silently punish me. My multiple attempts to make amends with him have been denied.  He has his own battle and I am no longer the owner.

So what does this all mean?  I have no idea really.  I just know I need to be more in control of me, and know my kids will do better if I'm better.  All this time I had been trying to "protect" my girls from hurt I know from my own experiences with my father.  I see my ex doing very similar things as my father and I know he will leave similar marks as my dad did.

The flaw in my plan was I assumed I could cushion blows being caused by their father.  Logically, I knew that wasn't possible, but emotionally, the little girl in me wanted to protect those little girls.  The little girl in me felt helpless and hopeless, which only made my parenting less than ideal.  I was stuck on defense, when I should have been focused on teaching them how to feel empowered.  I was so tired and hurt that at times I wasn't emotionally and even physically available to my girls.  I was living in a way that was counterproductive to the very ideals I want to provide.

So, I'm going to do what I can do.  I'm not fully sure what that will look like, but the first step is to find peace in my own heart.  I'm over this need to "fight hard."  I will continue to not give up challenging the injustices put upon them, but I will "fight smart" from now on.  I can't save anyone if I'm drowning myself.

Anyways, thank you for listening to my story.  I always appreciate productive feedback.  Or if you prefer to silently observe, that is fine too.  I will make a point to keep you in my life more.  Thank you for your support despite my flaws.  For now, it's play time with my daughters.  Peace.