Changing history

Hey, there, this is Heather.

I've been thinking recently about personal history; of course I'm always working on sorting through some of my own, but this post is in relation to my kids. I have 5 children, and their dad and I have been divorced for about 3 years; I may be downplaying things just a bit when I say that Daddy and I have not yet learned to get along post-divorce. It was difficult enough when we were married. 

For the past three years, my kids' dad has been trying to change, not only our history as a couple, but our family history. For his own reasons, he's trying to erase me. The first major sign was when he remarried and told the kids to call his new wife, "Mommy." I talked to my kids and explained to them how sacred that title is to me and asked them to reserve it for me alone; they understood, I think - at the very least, they respected my request. For about the past year, the kids have been forbidden to refer to me as "Mommy" at daddy's house because their dad says he "shouldn't have to hear" them using that word. They have to say, "my mom." He generally refers to me as, "Your parent in Idaho," or to my husband and I collectively as, "The grown-ups that live with you." 

There have been other things. Since we moved a state away last year, the kids Skype with their dad about three times a week in place of weeknight visitation (we're close enough that  they still see him every other weekend). During a recent conversation, the kids mentioned a Christmas tree that I made in, I think, 2008. Times were hard, money was tight, and we couldn't afford a Christmas tree. The kids had a cool teepee that my aunt and uncle had given us, and I had a pattern for a teepee cover. Eureka! I got out all of my green fabric and spent hours measuring and cutting squares and rectangles of fabric and sewing them together in long strips, which I then sewed together side-by-side to make 11 yards of roughly 45" wide patchwork fabric. Then I cut out the pattern and sewed a green cover for the teepee, which we strung with lights and set up for a Christmas tree. It took me a week. I have never before (or since!) worked so hard for so long on a sewing project. It. Was. Awesome. Daddy told everyone about it - all about how creative and resourceful and smart his wife was and that the Teepee Tree was even better than a real tree. He went to a tree lot and got some boughs to put inside the teepee so that it would smell Real. He used wood scraps he had in the garage to make a big base for it, with a divot for each pole, so that it wouldn't slide around and scratch the floor. We even used it again the following year when we could have bought a tree - he thought it was THAT cool. 

However, when the kids mentioned the Teepee Tree, he shrugged and said, "Meh. I never liked that tree much. A real tree is better. That thing wasn't very good," and other such things. The kids were visibly affected. They LOVE The Story of the Teepee Tree, and we still have it (we use the cover as a tree skirt now). They love that mommy spent a week making it and that daddy got branches so it would smell Real. They love the pictures of daddy using safety pins to get the lights to stay on and them with their small hands trying to get the ornament hooks through those little safety pins and how the star sat up in the little nest of poles at the top just like it was meant to be there; how we could stack presents inside of our tree instead of under like everyone else. But now, according to daddy, that experience was, "Meh." Where does that leave them?

That night, the kids talked about the Teepee Tree and how they still think it's cool. I re-told the story of the tree, including all of the good things that daddy did to help make it. 

I haven't forgotten this incident. Not because it made me angry or because I hate my kids' dad; neither of those things are true. It struck me deeply because it was a blatant attempt to change our family history - to alter our kids' lives. There have been times that the kids will relate a story daddy told them and when I say, "I remember that," they say, "You weren't there!" And for some reason I still can't believe that he tries to totally erase my presence in these stories. I was there! You can't erase me, that was a part of my life, too! 

I get it - I divorced him and he doesn't like to remember when "things were good," or when we were together. But this isn't about US anymore. This is now the story of our children - parts of their own personal history that are being altered because daddy doesn't want mommy in his memories. I get that - seriously, I do. I don't want him in my memories, either. But the fact is, he's there. We were married for 13 years. We made five awesome kids together. We made a lot of memories, and even I can admit they weren't all bad. If his present is made easier by changing our past in his head, so be it. But as regards our kids, I don't think it's right to change their history to ease our own minds. 

When my kids talk about how big and strong their daddy is, does it make me want to gag? Maybe a little, lol - even more so when they say he's funny. But I say, "He sure is strong, isn't he? He can do lots of cool things." When they say, "Why does daddy call us mean names?" does part of me want to say, "Because he's an abusive narcissist and he will probably always do that to you when you dare to cross him?" Damn straight. Do I say it? NO, and I never will. I stop. I think. I say something like, "Your daddy struggles to be kind  sometimes." Believe me, it can be HARD to come up with his stuff. But my children are worth it. 

I'm not perfect. I've botched it a few times. Once when they asked why daddy was blocking the driveway so we couldn't leave our house I shouted something like, "Because he's a controlling jerk!" I could argue that I was scared; I was. But that doesn't justify what I said to my children. My son had the guts to say, "Please don't talk about daddy that way." And he was right to say it. After family prayer that night I apologized to them. And I haven't always been careful when speaking to my current husband about the former; I say something flippant or insulting and then realize that the kids who share that man's DNA are within earshot and they have a right not to hear those things. They are worth the time and effort that my self-control sometimes requires.

It's worth it to me to do what I can to help my kids maintain as healthy a relationship with their dad as possible. Some days the temptation is strong. Some days they lob me the biggest softballs you can imagine. My oldest son has said, "I can see why you divorced daddy." His big sister has wondered how I stayed married to daddy for so long. I always thought I'd appreciate hearing them say those things, but when it happened - sooner than I expected - it broke my heart for them. And for him. But it's not for his sake that I hold my tongue and struggle with my mental filter to find ways to speak kindly about this man. I do it for my kids, because they're worth it to me.

My kids didn't choose their parents. They didn't choose the circumstances of their birth or family life. Those choices were made for them by their parents. They didn't choose the divorce that shredded their life. That was my choice. I stand by my choice...but it was still my choice, not theirs. Now I choose to support them in their relationship with their dad, despite his attempts at changing our history. I choose to honor what they remember about our life as a family, and about their dad. In my own memory, a lot of those "good times" were actually dark times, but they don't need to know that - it wouldn't be right of me to tell them. 

I remember at a church conference last year, a speaker quoted our Church's Proclamation on the Family: "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children....Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."

The words, "mothers and fathers" struck me. My ex husband and I still have these responsibilities, even though we are no longer married or in love, because we are still the mother and father of our children. We still need to care for each other, in the sense that we care enough about our children to still treat our relationship - and their relationships with the other parent - with care. I'll admit that makes me cringe a little....maybe a lot. But again, it's not about me. It's not about him. It's not about how much we'd both like to just forget each other and get on with our separate lives. It's about our kids, and about us respecting their history - accepting that we are each a part of their history and that we don't have a right to change that in order to soothe our own conscience or de-clutter our own stories. 

What is Complex PTSD?

I am posting the below excerpt found on http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/ since it is well said about Complex PTSD.  

Complex Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder is more than experiencing just one traumatizing event, and even once is enough to shake up our lives.  But when someone experiences trauma after trauma after trauma, often from different sources and at different times in one's life, the symptoms stick longer, and may even seem like the norm.  

Why is this important?  Because many people misunderstand how a person suffering from Complex PTSD thinks and feels.  Often times, they are labeled as "crazy," "bi-polar," or even with a "personality disorder."  These titles may seem true to the one who states them, but truthfully, they are wrong.  Also, doing so only dismisses the sufferer's very real mental health issues that are actually treatable.  

Why is this important to our blog?  Because children experience traumas too.  They are even less equipped to handle the stress that comes from high-conflict divorces, parent alienation, hostile aggressive parenting, and other traumas, some of which may be considered typical childhood character building experiences such as standing up to a bully.   

If we adults dismiss the impact of trauma on kids, we may contribute to generating adults who live in constant emotional pain.  The below excerpt will be an example of what that may look like:  

Complex PTSD sufferers have abandonment/betrayal fears.

When betrayed by people we love, the pain is so intense and the fear it creates is palpable and intense.

Most people will fail to understand the complexity of emotions, the belief systems it reactivates, the shame and the fear, unless they are complex trauma survivors themselves.

The rejection and abandonment depression feeds into the grieving, making it more intense.

It is especially hard, when the people were people we loved, trusted and continue on in their lives with no remorse, no empathy for the consequences of their actions and if they are narcissists or sociopaths, they will manipulate others into further abandoning us.

This lack of empathy, is so alien to those of us with empathy and compassion, who love deeply, so it causes painful confusion and is hard to bare, again feeding into this depression and intensity of grieving.

Often, all we want is love, understanding, honesty, loyalty.

When we get the opposite, it is like someone ripping out our hearts and stomping all over it, than walking away without even a backward glance.

If you relate to this at all, please know I do understand, and while the world may think 'oh just move on', that is not how it works for us and it is okay for us to feel this, there are real reasons for this, no matter how many don't understand.

I do understand.

♥ ♥ ♥

By Healing From Complex Trauma and Ptsd/cptsd

What Messages are You Sending to Your Kids?

Some very powerful words from one of psychotherapy's pioneers.

Although it is unrealistic to think that we can be consciously aware of every message we send our children, it is important to regularly remember that they are watching our moves to assure acceptance and unconditional love.  The more we show it without prompting, the more they believe and live by it, which are the building blocks to confidence.  This is extremely important for kids experiencing the consequences of divorce. Ultimately, it's the parents and/or co-parents responsibility to keep this process of growth going for our kids despite the ending of a marital relationship.  (This also includes all auxiliary adults in a child's life.)  

Let's be careful with our kids' esteem by challenging ourselves and our roles as parents and co-parents. Let's show them it's OK to make mistakes and how to grow from them.  Let's show them that parents apologize too and will cooperate or negotiate where appropriate.  Let them see that we can hold boundaries that inspire cooperation, or at least demonstrate our authority as trusting leaders.  Let's show them how to take calculated risks and be able to handle the fails with grace.

Now of course we can't expect to do everything perfectly.  In fact, expect to fail or at least feel clumsy at times.  Use those experiences to show what confidence looks like despite feeling embarrassed, defeated, or awkward.  These are the messages we want to send to our kids.  Include them as much as possible, but if can't, even a wink from across the room can mean a great deal to a child.

Remember, we are growing gardeners, not a garden.    

Peace :-)

Circular Arguments... how the passive/aggressives avoid the real issues. Sound familiar?

There are so many times I have to bite my tongue and accept that circular arguments are fruitless.  I usually have to shut my ego down and let the opposing parties walk away with smug looks on their faces as if they have "won" something.  

What helps is when I remind myself that I am fighting for the kids.  They tend to fight for many motives, but none seem for the kids.  It's still frustrating since I have my own emotions to contend with, but at least I won't waste any more of my time as well as have a clear conscience. 

Let's remember to fight smart, not be reactive.  

And yes, I am the pot calling the kettle black.  :-) Peace.

What is HAP?

I've been trying to figure out in better detail how to explain the constant battle I've had with my ex over the past couple of years regarding our co-parenting difficulties.  He has a very smooth passive/aggressive style about him that could be considered ingenious if no one was injured in the process.  Unfortunately though, the side effects have been painful for my children and myself, and ultimately for him as well.  I knew what he was doing wasn't good for the kids, and even felt it to be controlling and like a bully.  But now I know his behaviors put together are called... Hostile Aggressive Parenting, also know as HAP.

Since our divorce, and especially since he has remarried, he has made several attempts to minimize my role in my daughters' lives.  What has made matters worse has been his current wife's willingness to collude with his agenda, therefore engaging in behaviors that encourage the demise of my relationship with my daughters. It's a frustrating situation that has caused real struggles for the kids.

If you're or someone you know is experiencing a possible parent alienation case, but don't find the kids responding to such an extreme level, then you may be dealing with someone who is engaging in HAP.   The link below is a good resource for those who want to learn more about HAP.  There is even an evaluation form to help decipher the severity, if any, of HAP.

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/what_is_Hostile_Aggressive_Parenting.asp

The more we know, the better we can help HAP cases from turning into PAS (Parent Alienation Syndrome) cases.  Let's not forget the importance of the best interest of our children.

Co-parenting after divorce...

Sometimes it's difficult to navigate the ending of a marriage as well as maintaining a consistent relationship as co-parents.  However, it's the parents' job to remain cooperative and respectful, not because they love the other parent, but because the kids deserve to experience their two most important people get along.  

It is also important for step-parents to allow the original parents to be the co-parents.   In my case, the step-mom has a tendency to cause more problems than help.  She, and my ex, seem to feel that I am easily replaced and have excluded me from many important decisions regarding my daughters' emotional health, physical health, and academics.  I'm hoping this changes in the near future.  

Please take the time to make an honest inventory about what choices you make and if they are for you or for your children.  Let's not make the children who live through divorce also have to live through years of unnecessary tug-o-wars between their parents.  

Can you relate?

It's amazing what we parents will tolerate for our children.  

Enjoy them when you have them!  

Are you fighting to be Right or for the Relationship?

How many times do you fight to be right at the cost of the relationship?

Caught between divorced parents

Being a parent has been one of the most difficult, yet rewarding experiences of my life.  Coming from a "broken" home myself, I had vowed to be an intact family for my kids.  Unfortunately, life gave me a reality check, and I became another statistic of divorce.  Coping with the aftermath involved with divorcing, moving, and new beginnings is a battle.  Additionally, the stress and emotions of providing structure and comfort for the children involved is overwhelming.  However, raising kids with an uncooperative co-parent is near impossible.  Children should not be caught between divorced parents.

Once I came to accept the divorce was inevitable, I started planning how to make changes as smooth as possible for my kids.  My ex and I attended the mandatory class for divorcing parents.  I read books and articles on how to help children transition.  We even talked about ways to phrase things so our girls feel a united front as well as a sense of consistency between both homes.  I had felt hopeful despite what we were putting them through.

We were able to use our plans, albeit clumsily, initially after the divorce.  We were flexible for each other and communicated in respectful ways, for the most part.  It was an evolving relationship that we both invested in for the best interest of our children.  This all slowly and subtly changed as my ex brought a new wife and three step-children into his life.

Since then, my ex no longer communicates with me regarding important matters such as our daughters' medical care and academics.  When he does communicate with me, it's in short texts or emails that seem to be unproductive and disrespectful.  I used to be able to bring up concerns about my daughters to him as a team player looking for a solution.  It has turned into a tennis match of defenses and accusations.

I am often forced to communicate with his wife because he says I intimidate him.  However, she doesn't show concern for the best interest of my children, especially since my kids feel bullied by her two older kids.  Any concern I bring up, even if meant to be neutral in topic, brings a defensive reaction that includes my being called a perpetrator.

I am in no way claiming to be perfect in this dynamic.  I have my part in some of these issues.  My complaint is that the kids are getting lost in the shuffle of adult egos.  But how then can important issues such as health and school be addressed?  His answer has been that he and his new wife will make the decisions about my children, without me.

It is frustrating that one parent feels that the other parent can be replaced by a step-parent.  This may apply in situations where the other biological parent is unfit or even deceased.  But I am neither of those, and yet I am excluded from my children's lives.  The emotional damage to my kids is becoming more clear to my ex, but the evidence so far isn't enough to persuade his priorities.

I feel bullied and defeated by people who hide behind a public smile, yet behave poorly in regards to the kids involved.  I am made to be the "crazy" parent who makes up stories and scares the other parent.  The end result is the neglect of my children's best interest.

I'm not writing this to serve my own frustrations, although I won't deny I have and am expressing them, but I am writing this to fight for my kids.  They need the adults in their lives to step up and be responsible and mature enough to put their best interest first.  This is for the many children who get caught in the battle between their parents.  It's time for a change.